I don't like complaining. I can't stand when people constantly complain about something instead of being proactive. I don't like certain things in my life so I have taken steps to fix them. The problem with this though I'm not seeing certain things get better. In fact, I feel even more stressed. I cried today. I'm frustrated. I'm discontent. I'm pretty sure I've taken more than I can chew. I just want a community. I yearn for it. I want to be held accountable. I want to hold others accountable. I want help. I want held. And at this point, I am even a little jealous of people in AA, well the idea of AA. They have meetings to talk about their problems, struggles, frustrations.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Anxiety
The semester has not even begun yet, and I am already stressed out. Juggling being a mom, school, and work were not as hard this past year. I had a lot of help with Madeline. This year, unfortunately, I won't have as much help with a sitter. I have a sitter during the day, but during my short evening shifts working a few times a week, I am beginning to feel helpless. I'm trying to relax, pray, and seek a solution. I thought I had found one. I thought one had been brought to me, but it seems I thought wrong, which is frustrating.
Today during our last training session for fall mentoring we had to write a phrase, something to help us this upcoming year push us forward. A reminder. I thought this, of all things, was most fitting. Sometimes I take on more than I can chew. Other times, I take on just enough, but I forget my purpose. I become so consumed in the negative aspects, or the ways things could go wrong, instead of giving it to God. I'm not only learning a lesson in patience, but a lesson in relaxing. God has a plan. I'm beginning to learn though that sometimes in order to see His plan, I need to start breathing first. It seems like breathing and seeing are completely unrelated, but when your brain receives a lack of oxygen (something found in premature infants sometimes), vision can not only become poor from this lack of oxygen, but blindness can even occur. Blindness. How often am I blinded by my own insecurities, anxieties, worries...when all I need to do is breathe. Such a seemingly easy concept, that I continually forget to do.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
So it's been awhile...
I haven't honestly updated this blog in awhile. I am sorry Blogger for neglecting you, but mostly I need to apologize to myself a little. I firmly believe writing/reflecting is essential to growing as a person. Some, many, might argue with me. I'm not in the mood for a debate. Here it is...
I've been reading Captivating. I am almost finished with it, and a "late reader" as I'm sure many Christian readers would say. Regardless, I believe the delay was completely a God-thing. I have grown extremely weary of the struggles from my past, not just the "story" I have, but the guilt, the anger, the sin, the embarrassment. I can honestly say I am content with where I am at now, especially compared to a year ago. I never thought I would be at this point now. Captivating has made me cry, but cry out to God in the way I have been desperately yearning. I am so in love with Jesus. A new struggle has started to formulate with me, or perhaps I am merely consciously aware of an old issue.
This hurts me to say, and I'm so embarrassed of it. In the past, I've allowed some men to lack respect for me, in the way they treat me, act toward me, talk to me. I struggle with anyone who actually will treat me the right way because I feel undeserving. I've been taken advantage of because I am nice, I didn't stand up for myself. But saying it that way makes me sound like a victim. I don't sound like I'm taking responsibility. I want to though. I am aware I haven't made sound decisions in the past. I am ashamed. Ashamed, such a degrading word. Such a negative word. Guilt can tear a person away from God. Guilt can be Satan's way of telling me God doesn't want me. I felt ashamed. Defeated. Unworthy of God's love. Incapable of receiving His mercy and forgiveness.
Now, instead, I feel humbled.
Humbled because God has changed my heart. I yearn to make His plans my own. Humbled because I have a story that will be unaccepted by some. I have potential to reach someone like me, or someone completely unlike me. I have been humbled so that I can follow Him. And that is terrifying. I have failed before, and I will fail again.
Aside from my spiritual journey, there are some other things happening in my life. Madeline is almost a year and a half, which is insane. She says a lot of words and her personality excites me. She is the sunshine in my life, more than she may ever know. I start another semester of college on the 29th which I am eagerly awaiting, although, I'm a bit apprehensive. Apprehensive this year, because I be taking on a leadership role, more responsibility, more to add to my plate of business. The training for this mentor leadership program has taught me so much about maintaining relationships with everyone around me, AND how to deal with tough conversations. Life conversations, that I often refuse to discuss during a fallout, or I just completely lose my cool. I'm learning how to effectively communicate. I wish I would have had these skills, this knowledge, a few years ago. I could've saved myself and others a lot of hurt. I'll be teaching alongside a professor this semester which makes me nervous, but it will be a great experience. I cannot wait for the day to have my own classroom. C A N N O T wait. I still yearn for community, although I have formed some friendships that I believe will be extremely beneficial in helping that need. I pray for God to show me His will, and I ask anyone who might read this, pray that as well.
I've been reading Captivating. I am almost finished with it, and a "late reader" as I'm sure many Christian readers would say. Regardless, I believe the delay was completely a God-thing. I have grown extremely weary of the struggles from my past, not just the "story" I have, but the guilt, the anger, the sin, the embarrassment. I can honestly say I am content with where I am at now, especially compared to a year ago. I never thought I would be at this point now. Captivating has made me cry, but cry out to God in the way I have been desperately yearning. I am so in love with Jesus. A new struggle has started to formulate with me, or perhaps I am merely consciously aware of an old issue.
This hurts me to say, and I'm so embarrassed of it. In the past, I've allowed some men to lack respect for me, in the way they treat me, act toward me, talk to me. I struggle with anyone who actually will treat me the right way because I feel undeserving. I've been taken advantage of because I am nice, I didn't stand up for myself. But saying it that way makes me sound like a victim. I don't sound like I'm taking responsibility. I want to though. I am aware I haven't made sound decisions in the past. I am ashamed. Ashamed, such a degrading word. Such a negative word. Guilt can tear a person away from God. Guilt can be Satan's way of telling me God doesn't want me. I felt ashamed. Defeated. Unworthy of God's love. Incapable of receiving His mercy and forgiveness.
Now, instead, I feel humbled.
Humbled because God has changed my heart. I yearn to make His plans my own. Humbled because I have a story that will be unaccepted by some. I have potential to reach someone like me, or someone completely unlike me. I have been humbled so that I can follow Him. And that is terrifying. I have failed before, and I will fail again.
Aside from my spiritual journey, there are some other things happening in my life. Madeline is almost a year and a half, which is insane. She says a lot of words and her personality excites me. She is the sunshine in my life, more than she may ever know. I start another semester of college on the 29th which I am eagerly awaiting, although, I'm a bit apprehensive. Apprehensive this year, because I be taking on a leadership role, more responsibility, more to add to my plate of business. The training for this mentor leadership program has taught me so much about maintaining relationships with everyone around me, AND how to deal with tough conversations. Life conversations, that I often refuse to discuss during a fallout, or I just completely lose my cool. I'm learning how to effectively communicate. I wish I would have had these skills, this knowledge, a few years ago. I could've saved myself and others a lot of hurt. I'll be teaching alongside a professor this semester which makes me nervous, but it will be a great experience. I cannot wait for the day to have my own classroom. C A N N O T wait. I still yearn for community, although I have formed some friendships that I believe will be extremely beneficial in helping that need. I pray for God to show me His will, and I ask anyone who might read this, pray that as well.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
april 8th
Reality Check
Today has not been my day. My phone broke late last night, and I lost all my contacts today when I got a new one. I got in an arguement with Madeline’s dad this afternoon. I was supposed to get Madeline’s one-year pictures done today, but she was grumpy all day long so we didn’t get them done. She bit me. I got written up at work. I’m sore from working out. This post deleted itself, so I had to start over. I need to write a history paper. At this point, it’s been one of those days where I could go on and on about complaining because I have allowed these events to put me in a bad mood. Then, I had a bit of a reality check. I paused in the midst of my complaining, to realize something. Yesterday was such a great day.
Yesterday I got an A on my English paper. I got out of my three-hour class an hour and a half early. I bought a pair of running shoes ON SALE; I got them for a great deal. Not only that, but I then actually thought about the positive things in this crappy day. I remembered to do MML. I ate spaghetti for dinner. “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away…”
Today was not a fun day, but today was also a day given to me. Today I threw a pity party for myself all day long. I lost my contacts, but I didn’t even talk to half of those people anyway. The ones I did, I’ll get their numbers. IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. I didn’t get Madeline’s pictures done, but we will. Honestly, there isn’t anything good about being written up at work. Actually that was ironic considering I JUST turned down another job so I could stay at Hubbard. Thank you God for irony. Please don’t let me get discouraged about that. It’s my own fault that I still have a history paper to write. I procrastinated. I am sore from working out, but I’m getting back into shape. No pain no gain, right? Anyway, I NEVER, or rarely ever, think of the positives. I realized all of this when I logged on to Twitter/Facebook to complain about my lousy day. I was going to drag other people into my pity party. C’mon Kristina. You’re better than that. Today, God gave a beautiful sunset to drive toward on my way home at 8 o’clock from this hectic day. Thank you for reminding be when my day seems completely discouraging, there is beauty. There is You
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