I haven't honestly updated this blog in awhile. I am sorry Blogger for neglecting you, but mostly I need to apologize to myself a little. I firmly believe writing/reflecting is essential to growing as a person. Some, many, might argue with me. I'm not in the mood for a debate. Here it is...
I've been reading Captivating. I am almost finished with it, and a "late reader" as I'm sure many Christian readers would say. Regardless, I believe the delay was completely a God-thing. I have grown extremely weary of the struggles from my past, not just the "story" I have, but the guilt, the anger, the sin, the embarrassment. I can honestly say I am content with where I am at now, especially compared to a year ago. I never thought I would be at this point now. Captivating has made me cry, but cry out to God in the way I have been desperately yearning. I am so in love with Jesus. A new struggle has started to formulate with me, or perhaps I am merely consciously aware of an old issue.
This hurts me to say, and I'm so embarrassed of it. In the past, I've allowed some men to lack respect for me, in the way they treat me, act toward me, talk to me. I struggle with anyone who actually will treat me the right way because I feel undeserving. I've been taken advantage of because I am nice, I didn't stand up for myself. But saying it that way makes me sound like a victim. I don't sound like I'm taking responsibility. I want to though. I am aware I haven't made sound decisions in the past. I am ashamed. Ashamed, such a degrading word. Such a negative word. Guilt can tear a person away from God. Guilt can be Satan's way of telling me God doesn't want me. I felt ashamed. Defeated. Unworthy of God's love. Incapable of receiving His mercy and forgiveness.
Now, instead, I feel humbled.
Humbled because God has changed my heart. I yearn to make His plans my own. Humbled because I have a story that will be unaccepted by some. I have potential to reach someone like me, or someone completely unlike me. I have been humbled so that I can follow Him. And that is terrifying. I have failed before, and I will fail again.
Aside from my spiritual journey, there are some other things happening in my life. Madeline is almost a year and a half, which is insane. She says a lot of words and her personality excites me. She is the sunshine in my life, more than she may ever know. I start another semester of college on the 29th which I am eagerly awaiting, although, I'm a bit apprehensive. Apprehensive this year, because I be taking on a leadership role, more responsibility, more to add to my plate of business. The training for this mentor leadership program has taught me so much about maintaining relationships with everyone around me, AND how to deal with tough conversations. Life conversations, that I often refuse to discuss during a fallout, or I just completely lose my cool. I'm learning how to effectively communicate. I wish I would have had these skills, this knowledge, a few years ago. I could've saved myself and others a lot of hurt. I'll be teaching alongside a professor this semester which makes me nervous, but it will be a great experience. I cannot wait for the day to have my own classroom. C A N N O T wait. I still yearn for community, although I have formed some friendships that I believe will be extremely beneficial in helping that need. I pray for God to show me His will, and I ask anyone who might read this, pray that as well.
Matthew 5:4-6 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,for they WILL BE filled."
ReplyDeleteYou're a beautiful young woman with a heart for the Lord,that is nothing to be ashamed of! Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit of the Almighty God, a trait to bear with rejoicing. Don't let the sin of others destroy the good work He is doing in you. Man's heart (I can speak for them as I am one... a 20 something man that is) is as God said to Noah, wicked from their youth, yet because of Jesus not without redemption. Jesus is our redeemer and in Christ we are all becoming more like Him (if we abide in Him.) so try to forgive, and trust Jesus to keep you through the foolish or deceptive trials of man or the devil.
Anyway (as a fellow blogger and believer in Christ Jesus) what I wanted to share with you is this: Mark 5:41 "He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”)." Jesus said this to a little dead girl. And immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around. Christ can raise the dead, He took a lifeless Child and redeemed her life. He is doing so for you, me and all who call on His name. Jesus is our hope, faith, and love. He is also the way, the truth, and the life, and no one can come to the Father except through Him. So Fix your eyes on Jesus the author and perfector of your faith, casting off the sin which so easily entangles. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. But above all Love. Trust in Jesus and don't let the lies, worries, lusts etc. of the world around you hinder the fruit He is bearing in you. And don't worry, He is your strength, shield, fortress and supply. He loves you more than you know just as you love your child more than they know right now. Jesus loves you so much!! WITH AN UNWAVERING LOVE!
God bless! :)
You are so wonderful, Kristina. I am so proud of how far you've come. You are such an example. I hope someday I can find what you've found. God is doing such great things for you, and it's so encouraging to see. I hope the best for you in your life to come :)
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