:)

Heavy Heart.

Heaven broke into this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,
Cause you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start


I have heard this song every day for the last week on my drive to class in the mornings. Every morning I cry. I didn't know the story behind the song at first, but it felt like an anthem. Once I heard the meaning behind it I cried even more. The strength, the courage, the patience, the humility Matt Hammitt and his family went through this past year is incredible. If you haven't heard this song, you need to: "All of Me". Anyway...It's been a constant prayer for me "so let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed". Because I am falling in love with Jesus. I'm not even close to where I want to be with Him, but I am so much closer than I was a year ago. How I go about my day is so much different. I am so much more positive about things. God shows me something good daily, even during the rainy dreary cold weather we've had the last few days, even when I worked a lot this weekend, even when I was stressed to my core. God is here. I ache for you, Jesus.

"I want to know you.
I want to hear your voice.
I want to know you more.
I want to touch you.
I want to see your face.
I want to know you more."

This song is really on my heart tonight. How I yearn for this closeness with God, this relationship, this love. 

Bittersweet Morning.

My alarm went off, I hit snooze. Snooze. And again another snooze. I took my long, yet routine drive to South Bend. It’s rainy, but not raining. 35 MPH the whole way there. Too slow for me. Too many stop lights. Too many kids walking to school. I drop off Mads, and continue my drive. I’m listening to Pulse FM on the way there, switching back and forth between that and U93. Rob and AJ are talking about 9/11. Yesterday I started crying just watching a memorial commercial (is that what you would call it?) about the Ground Zero memorial opening this year. Anyway, they’re talking about this being the 10th year since that devastating day. Rob and AJ asked callers to call in and talk about where they were on that day, 10 years ago.

10 years ago I was taking ISTEP in the fourth grade. Mom was 9 months pregnant with Elizabeth. Dad had just been laid off. We sat glued to the TV when I got off the bus. I knew nothing until I got home (When I think about the fact we weren’t told at school, it upsets me, but I understand the reasoning).

I’m listening to these people call in, and I’m raining by this point. Tears streaming down my face as I wait at a stop light, watching kids cross. Watching students walk to school. Watching them continue with their daily routine as a woman is talking on the radio about getting ready to leave for the South Bend airport that morning. About how it felt like any other day until she saw that second plane hit the tower on TV. How she fell to the ground.

How fast things can change.

I think what gets me the most is how much I take this for granted. I don’t think about 9/11 all the time, but the woman who lost her husband does every day. The family of the firefighter who never came home to his kids, they don’t need reminded. I remember I gave a speech during a convocation in 4th grade about 9/11. We talked about it as a class, as a school, as a community, as a country. We’ll talk about it again now. We don’t forget, but we don’t always remember. What happened that day, and the days to follow affect me more today, this morning, then they did when I was 9. The images, the videos, as I’m torturing myself watching them online now. This morning it hurt my heart. This morning I felt 9/11. I don’t think I could say that before.

I felt the terror, the pain, the smoke entering their lungs as the flames grew bigger. I could feel the seat belt get tighter as the plane began to descend. My body grew tighter. My muscles. I could feel the screams. The debris. I could see people jumping (that is one of the worst parts to watch). The fear. And I know what I could feel, still doesn’t even compare to that day: to that family, that friend, that lover.

discontent

I don't like complaining. I can't stand when people constantly complain about something instead of being proactive. I don't like certain things in my life so I have taken steps to fix them. The problem with this though I'm not seeing certain things get better. In fact, I feel even more stressed. I cried today. I'm frustrated. I'm discontent. I'm pretty sure I've taken more than I can chew. I just want a community. I yearn for it. I want to be held accountable. I want to hold others accountable. I want help. I want held. And at this point, I am even a little jealous of people in AA, well the idea of AA. They have meetings to talk about their problems, struggles, frustrations.

Anxiety

The semester has not even begun yet, and I am already stressed out. Juggling being a mom, school, and work were not as hard this past year. I had a lot of help with Madeline. This year, unfortunately, I won't have as much help with a sitter. I have a sitter during the day, but during my short evening shifts working a few times a week, I am beginning to feel helpless. I'm trying to relax, pray, and seek a solution. I thought I had found one. I thought one had been brought to me, but it seems I thought wrong, which is frustrating.

Today during our last training session for fall mentoring we had to write a phrase, something to help us this upcoming year push us forward. A reminder. I thought this, of all things, was most fitting. Sometimes I take on more than I can chew. Other times, I take on just enough, but I forget my purpose. I become so consumed in the negative aspects, or the ways things could go wrong, instead of giving it to God. I'm not only learning a lesson in patience, but a lesson in relaxing. God has a plan. I'm beginning to learn though that sometimes in order to see His plan, I need to start breathing first. It seems like breathing and seeing are completely unrelated, but when your brain receives a lack of oxygen (something found in premature infants sometimes), vision can not only become poor from this lack of oxygen, but blindness can even occur. Blindness. How often am I blinded by my own insecurities, anxieties, worries...when all I need to do is breathe. Such a seemingly easy concept, that I continually forget to do.

So it's been awhile...

I haven't honestly updated this blog in awhile. I am sorry Blogger for neglecting you, but mostly I need to apologize to myself a little. I firmly believe writing/reflecting is essential to growing as a person. Some, many, might argue with me. I'm not in the mood for a debate. Here it is...

I've been reading Captivating. I am almost finished with it, and a "late reader" as I'm sure many Christian readers would say. Regardless, I believe the delay was completely a God-thing. I have grown extremely weary of the struggles from my past, not just the "story" I have, but the guilt, the anger, the sin, the embarrassment. I can honestly say I am content with where I am at now, especially compared to a year ago. I never thought I would be at this point now. Captivating has made me cry, but cry out to God in the way I have been desperately yearning. I am so in love with Jesus. A new struggle has started to formulate with me, or perhaps I am merely consciously aware of an old issue.
This hurts me to say, and I'm so embarrassed of it. In the past, I've allowed some men to lack respect for me, in the way they treat me, act toward me, talk to me. I struggle with anyone who actually will treat me the right way because I feel undeserving. I've been taken advantage of because I am nice, I didn't stand up for myself. But saying it that way makes me sound like a victim. I don't sound like I'm taking responsibility. I want to though. I am aware I haven't made sound decisions in the past. I am ashamed. Ashamed, such a degrading word. Such a negative word. Guilt can tear a person away from God. Guilt can be Satan's way of telling me God doesn't want me. I felt ashamed. Defeated. Unworthy of God's love. Incapable of receiving His mercy and forgiveness.
Now, instead, I feel humbled.
Humbled because God has changed my heart. I yearn to make His plans my own. Humbled because I have a story that will be unaccepted by some. I have potential to reach someone like me, or someone completely unlike me. I have been humbled so that I can follow Him. And that is terrifying. I have failed before, and I will fail again.

Aside from my spiritual journey, there are some other things happening in my life. Madeline is almost a year and a half, which is insane. She says a lot of words and her personality excites me. She is the sunshine in my life, more than she may ever know. I start another semester of college on the 29th which I am eagerly awaiting, although, I'm a bit apprehensive. Apprehensive this year, because I be taking on a leadership role, more responsibility, more to add to my plate of business. The training for this mentor leadership program has taught me so much about maintaining relationships with everyone around me, AND how to deal with tough conversations. Life conversations, that I often refuse to discuss during a fallout, or I just completely lose my cool. I'm learning how to effectively communicate. I wish I would have had these skills, this knowledge, a few years ago. I could've saved myself and others a lot of hurt. I'll be teaching alongside a professor this semester which makes me nervous, but it will be a great experience. I cannot wait for the day to have my own classroom. C A N N O T wait. I still yearn for community, although I have formed some friendships that I believe will be extremely beneficial in helping that need. I pray for God to show me His will, and I ask anyone who might read this, pray that as well.