I love this movie.

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."
--Iris from The Holiday

Jesus says,

"There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace"

God's grace is abundant. I am a firm believer in God's grace and the power it has for the people who believe there is no hope, for the people who believe their sin is too big. I believe in grace for me. I have a hard time accepting the fact that it's not just for me. It's for anyone. It's for the people who have hurt me. It's for the people I don't believe deserve anything good in this world. Grace isn't about deserving anything; in fact it's the opposite. Despite my sin, God forgives. Despite your sin, God loves. This is a very VERY hard thing for me to comprehend. It's an even more difficult thing for me to live.

John Mayer.

Tonight I want to fall in love.
His voice, his words-- so soothing.
I want to fall in love.
The direction I'm going though,
is anything but that.

"If you want more love,
why don't you say so?"
Sorry John,
sometimes that's not enough.

John Mayer is narcissistic. I'd never want to be with him.

Or anyone like him.
E.E. Cummings was a manwhore,

yet his poetry makes me go weak at the knees.
Hmph.

Slap in the face.

Well hello there Reality.

I messed up. And I'm scared to ask you to fix me, Jesus.

regina

"I'm still an ass hole playing with candles
Blowing out wishes blowing out dreams
Just sitting here and trying to decipher
What's written in Braille upon my skin."

If I'm going to be Honest,

God, I don't want to listen to you. I don't want to consume myself into your word because I don't want to see what you want me to see. You'll show me what I need to change. You'll show me that YOUR way is the way. You are the way, the truth and the life. I want truth, I need you. I want to know where to go, I need you. I like being in charge God, so excuse me while I throw a temper tantrum about not getting my way. That's what I am doing right now, I'm throwing a temper tantrum. I'm not kicking and screaming anymore though. I've gone into what I like to call "pretend remorse" mode. You know when you're younger and you get in trouble, sometimes if you smiled really big or you had a few big tears slide down your cheek, you'd get out of trouble. That's what I'm doing right now. I'm taking the more passive approach with you God. If I say I'll be better will you just let me be? Will you let me do things the way I want? I'll be mostly good, and I won't purposely go out of my way to mess up?

Okay, in reality, God is laughing at me. He's pointing his finger and showing St. Peter what's going on down here. He's not laughing too hard though because his other arm is reaching. He's reaching for me because he wants to help. He wants me to give Him control. God, if I'm going to be honest, I don't know how to do that. AND I'm scared to do it if I figure out how. I like certain aspects of my life. I want them to go the way I want them to. I don't want your plans to be different.

This is me being real.
I like having control.
It's hard to give it to you God.