The weather is gorgeous, which I absolutely LOVE. This week it is supposed to continue to get warmer. I can't believe April is almost here. Easter is almost here. A child of God is almost here. Wow.
Madeline could arrive any time. I had so many dreams last night about my water breaking, about her coming, about everything. I am so excited to meet her, but scared all the same. A little life is about to born, a life I am responsible for. The thought alone makes my eyes water. God is so incredible.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Hello SUNSHINE
I love love love this sunshine. Thank you GOD for this.
My mind is all over the place today.
I am so excited to meet Madeline. I have so much to do before she arrives!
"Lately the weather has been so bipolar and consequently so have I, Now it's sunny with a high of 75 since you took my heavy heart and made it light. And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive." -- Relient K 'High of 75'
My mind is all over the place today.
I am so excited to meet Madeline. I have so much to do before she arrives!
"Lately the weather has been so bipolar and consequently so have I, Now it's sunny with a high of 75 since you took my heavy heart and made it light. And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive." -- Relient K 'High of 75'
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Hmm.
Hello repressed memories.
I don't remember, and I don't forget.
Sometimes I miss my sophomore year even though it sucked in mostly every way. I was depressed, but I was brilliant. I was witty. I was cunning. I was beautiful. I was growing. I fought with myself constantly. I made everything a battle, even when I didn't need it to be. It was almost like a game I played with myself. Sick, I know. I had fuel. I had interests. I had a personality. I struggled, but I was learning. I was finding joy and peace.
Now, I'm not sure who I am anymore. I'm not sure where I'm going. I'm not sure what I'm doing. Everything is changing. It's not like change is a bad thing, even though I don't really like change in general. Everything is changing though. I'd rather be at the end where I'm adjusted to the change, looking back on it, than in the middle of it. God's doing something in my life. I can feel Him preparing me or warning me or leading me. I'm not really sure what's going on, but he's here. I'm not sure of the feeling I've had lately. It's almost scary.
I don't remember, and I don't forget.
Sometimes I miss my sophomore year even though it sucked in mostly every way. I was depressed, but I was brilliant. I was witty. I was cunning. I was beautiful. I was growing. I fought with myself constantly. I made everything a battle, even when I didn't need it to be. It was almost like a game I played with myself. Sick, I know. I had fuel. I had interests. I had a personality. I struggled, but I was learning. I was finding joy and peace.
Now, I'm not sure who I am anymore. I'm not sure where I'm going. I'm not sure what I'm doing. Everything is changing. It's not like change is a bad thing, even though I don't really like change in general. Everything is changing though. I'd rather be at the end where I'm adjusted to the change, looking back on it, than in the middle of it. God's doing something in my life. I can feel Him preparing me or warning me or leading me. I'm not really sure what's going on, but he's here. I'm not sure of the feeling I've had lately. It's almost scary.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Six pounds in two weeks.
The nurse asked me if I was experiencing any swelling. I'm not. Six pounds in two weeks. That's a little much, but maybe she's having a growth spurt. I am so eager to work out! Okay, okay... I'm eager to be allowed to seize the opportunity if were to feel energized enough to do so. That's honest.
I wish I could play the piano or at least sing extremely well. I sing to Madeline all the time. If she thinks I'm bad, she doesn't (can't) say anything. Hah. I haven't played my flute in over a year. That is sad. I miss music. I miss Mike playing. I know he misses it. Maybe he doesn't think about it. But I miss it for him. I want him to play. I want to hear 'Boston' on the piano. I want to hear 'Blackbird' on the guitar. I have like four different times of him practicing his clarinet for me saved on my phone. I remember when he would call me from a practice room. I love him. I hope he can still pursue music in some way. He has such a passion for it. He is so good at it.
What am I good at? I don't have a talent like that which sets me apart from other people. I'm intelligent, but I have much to learn. I'm not Einstein. I was in shape, but I was no star athlete. What's my thing? My niche. What sets me apart from everyone else? I wonder. I am sure there is something. There must be, right? It's times like these that the call to work in ministry seems to be screaming at me.
I wish I could play the piano or at least sing extremely well. I sing to Madeline all the time. If she thinks I'm bad, she doesn't (can't) say anything. Hah. I haven't played my flute in over a year. That is sad. I miss music. I miss Mike playing. I know he misses it. Maybe he doesn't think about it. But I miss it for him. I want him to play. I want to hear 'Boston' on the piano. I want to hear 'Blackbird' on the guitar. I have like four different times of him practicing his clarinet for me saved on my phone. I remember when he would call me from a practice room. I love him. I hope he can still pursue music in some way. He has such a passion for it. He is so good at it.
What am I good at? I don't have a talent like that which sets me apart from other people. I'm intelligent, but I have much to learn. I'm not Einstein. I was in shape, but I was no star athlete. What's my thing? My niche. What sets me apart from everyone else? I wonder. I am sure there is something. There must be, right? It's times like these that the call to work in ministry seems to be screaming at me.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Greetings March.
I don't care for the month of March. Don't get me wrong; I love the snow melting and sunshine creeping back. It's Indiana though. March teases us. It gets warm, and then it snows in April again. March hasn't been a great month for me the last couple years. I'd like to just skip right past it into April.
Mike and I attended an all day childbirth class on Saturday instead of 2-hour weekly ones that were difficult to plan into our working schedules. It was informative. I'm definitely not looking forward to the pain of labor, even if I do end up submitting to an epidural. Madeline's existence completely astounds me. A little person is living inside of me right now (a child of God!). She will grow and develop a personality. I can't wait to meet her, yet I am so nervous/anxious about meeting her. Her movements constantly make me smile, unless she's shoving a leg into my ribcage. Her presence is the most incredible feeling I have ever experienced.
The baby shower is the 14th. I am not sure how I will feel about all the attention being on me (and my stomach) for a few hours. Do I always hate attention? No. When I was still in high school I was so involved in everything. People knew who I was. I love public speaking. This attention is different though. I greet this attention with a bit of apprehension and uncertainty. This attention could spawn judgement. I know, I know... one shouldn't care what other people think. BUT to some extent I do care what other people think. AND I think I should. I want people to see me as a light for Christ even though I am clearly an imperfect person. I want people to see past the sin, and still see me, see me for who I was, am, and becoming through my walk in life with Christ. What I want is a bit contradicting. I know I am messy. I know I screw up. I know I do not deserve Christ's perfect love. I want people to see past the messiness in my life. I want them to see what Christ is doing with that. I have ups and downs. It is a CONSTANT struggle. No Christian is perfect, yet isn't that what society wants to see? How many times do I judge other Christians because of their messes? This reminds me of the song 'What if I Stumble' by dc Talk.
"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."
Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble?
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
I hear You whispering my name [You say]
"My love for You will never change" [never change]
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my God
Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?
I didn't give something up for Lent this year. I didn't give up food because some of the cravings I have had have been so intense, I didn't think I could go without. Now that I have typed that thought out, I realize how stupid that sounds. Christ went 40 days without food. He wasn't pregnant, but I'm pretty sure he was pretty hungry by the end. My banana splits could be done without. I decided not to give up something, yet to start something. I need Jesus. I need His word. I long for the relationship I used to have. I long for a stronger one than ever before. I have been getting into His word more (and hopefully writing more...although it is difficult). That is what I want to get out of lent this year. I want Jesus back. Scratch that. I want to come back to Him. That in itself takes longer than 40 days, I know. It's a lifetime struggle. He's what I desperately yearn for though more than anything.
Mike and I attended an all day childbirth class on Saturday instead of 2-hour weekly ones that were difficult to plan into our working schedules. It was informative. I'm definitely not looking forward to the pain of labor, even if I do end up submitting to an epidural. Madeline's existence completely astounds me. A little person is living inside of me right now (a child of God!). She will grow and develop a personality. I can't wait to meet her, yet I am so nervous/anxious about meeting her. Her movements constantly make me smile, unless she's shoving a leg into my ribcage. Her presence is the most incredible feeling I have ever experienced.
The baby shower is the 14th. I am not sure how I will feel about all the attention being on me (and my stomach) for a few hours. Do I always hate attention? No. When I was still in high school I was so involved in everything. People knew who I was. I love public speaking. This attention is different though. I greet this attention with a bit of apprehension and uncertainty. This attention could spawn judgement. I know, I know... one shouldn't care what other people think. BUT to some extent I do care what other people think. AND I think I should. I want people to see me as a light for Christ even though I am clearly an imperfect person. I want people to see past the sin, and still see me, see me for who I was, am, and becoming through my walk in life with Christ. What I want is a bit contradicting. I know I am messy. I know I screw up. I know I do not deserve Christ's perfect love. I want people to see past the messiness in my life. I want them to see what Christ is doing with that. I have ups and downs. It is a CONSTANT struggle. No Christian is perfect, yet isn't that what society wants to see? How many times do I judge other Christians because of their messes? This reminds me of the song 'What if I Stumble' by dc Talk.
"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."
Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble?
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
I hear You whispering my name [You say]
"My love for You will never change" [never change]
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my God
Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?
I didn't give something up for Lent this year. I didn't give up food because some of the cravings I have had have been so intense, I didn't think I could go without. Now that I have typed that thought out, I realize how stupid that sounds. Christ went 40 days without food. He wasn't pregnant, but I'm pretty sure he was pretty hungry by the end. My banana splits could be done without. I decided not to give up something, yet to start something. I need Jesus. I need His word. I long for the relationship I used to have. I long for a stronger one than ever before. I have been getting into His word more (and hopefully writing more...although it is difficult). That is what I want to get out of lent this year. I want Jesus back. Scratch that. I want to come back to Him. That in itself takes longer than 40 days, I know. It's a lifetime struggle. He's what I desperately yearn for though more than anything.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Can't get enough of Ephesians today.
Chapter 2
4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. 10For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Chapter 5
"6Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7Therefore do not be partners with them.
8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14for it is light that makes everything visible..."
"15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.
4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. 10For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Chapter 5
"6Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7Therefore do not be partners with them.
8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14for it is light that makes everything visible..."
"15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Okay, it's been a while...
The past month has been long to say the least. Christmas was nice. I spent a lot of time with family. New Year's Eve was not. I don't even want to talk about New Year's Eve. I want to forget about it and move on; however, I don't see that happening anytime in the near future, unfortunately.
I fear church. I know God had forgiven me because he is so full of grace, but the judgment from others is what haunts me. I am visibly pregnant now. Madeline Alexandria (I still like Grace as a middle name though, so we'll see if anything changes last minute) moves so often. It is such an incredible feeling. I love her! I want to walk with pride. I am not proud of what I did, but forgiving myself was hard enough. To be rebuked by others is devastating. It is hard (and impossible) to please others. God is the only one I need to please, and I forget that so often. I'm trying so hard. I struggle. I am messy. I constantly need Him. He's my father. It's hard to give Him complete control, though.
Mike is struggling. I do not know how to help. I can only love him. I listen. I am trying. I need to give is all to Jesus. My heart aches for him. We set the wedding date for July 10th. Madeline is due April 12th (ultrasound says the 9th though).
LORD, please help.
"Bring the Rain" -- MercyMe
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
I fear church. I know God had forgiven me because he is so full of grace, but the judgment from others is what haunts me. I am visibly pregnant now. Madeline Alexandria (I still like Grace as a middle name though, so we'll see if anything changes last minute) moves so often. It is such an incredible feeling. I love her! I want to walk with pride. I am not proud of what I did, but forgiving myself was hard enough. To be rebuked by others is devastating. It is hard (and impossible) to please others. God is the only one I need to please, and I forget that so often. I'm trying so hard. I struggle. I am messy. I constantly need Him. He's my father. It's hard to give Him complete control, though.
Mike is struggling. I do not know how to help. I can only love him. I listen. I am trying. I need to give is all to Jesus. My heart aches for him. We set the wedding date for July 10th. Madeline is due April 12th (ultrasound says the 9th though).
LORD, please help.
"Bring the Rain" -- MercyMe
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
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