Okay, it's been a while...

The past month has been long to say the least. Christmas was nice. I spent a lot of time with family. New Year's Eve was not. I don't even want to talk about New Year's Eve. I want to forget about it and move on; however, I don't see that happening anytime in the near future, unfortunately.

I fear church. I know God had forgiven me because he is so full of grace, but the judgment from others is what haunts me. I am visibly pregnant now. Madeline Alexandria (I still like Grace as a middle name though, so we'll see if anything changes last minute) moves so often. It is such an incredible feeling. I love her! I want to walk with pride. I am not proud of what I did, but forgiving myself was hard enough. To be rebuked by others is devastating. It is hard (and impossible) to please others. God is the only one I need to please, and I forget that so often. I'm trying so hard. I struggle. I am messy. I constantly need Him. He's my father. It's hard to give Him complete control, though.

Mike is struggling. I do not know how to help. I can only love him. I listen. I am trying. I need to give is all to Jesus. My heart aches for him. We set the wedding date for July 10th. Madeline is due April 12th (ultrasound says the 9th though).

LORD, please help.

"Bring the Rain" -- MercyMe

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty