"...Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Song of Solomon 2:7
Mike and I are no longer together. I tried. I tried. And I tried some more. I genuinely thought things were looking up for us. We were communicating better. We were listening to each other more. He was stepping up. We delayed the wedding because we had things to work on, and we were working on them (not at the speed I was hoping for, but nonetheless trying). Or so I thought.
I have come to grips with the fact that sometimes people change for the better, sometimes for the worse. And other times they want to seem as if they have changed, yet have not. Often times, people rely on themselves to change. It's in God's hands though. Mike has a very real, very serious problem with infidelity. I pray Mike eventually finds himself broken from this sin that consumes him time and again. I pray that God consumes the brokeness and that Mike sees Jesus, really sees Him. Mike has lost a fiancee and a daughter in one clean swoop. Will Madeline be a part of his life again someday? Most likely. I hope so for her sake, but I pray only if he is a better man. I do not want my daughter to grow up seeing her father do the same things he has done to me to other women. Because she will see it, and she will be effected.
I don't need to list his transgressions. It's unnecessary.
I am embarrassed. I feel humiliated. But I do not blame myself. I know I tried to love him to the best of my ability. I know I was imperfect, but I know that did not cause him to make the choices he made. I am sad, angry, and hurt. I stayed and tried to make the relationship work because I believe it is important for a child to be raised up with both parents; however, there comes a point that I believe it would be better for a child to be raised by one parent than by both if they are constantly arguing and the mother is constantly cheated on. A daughter should look up to her mother for guidance and how to act in relationships. A daughter should look to her mother to know how she should look at herself. If I continued to stay in this relationship, Madeline would think it is okay to be walked all over by a man. It isn't. So I am staying strong, for her.
I am not eager to find love or another man. I am patient with God. It's funny because I have never been patient, but I am patient about this. I know there is a great man out there that God is working in. One day when we are both ready, we will meet, and it will be a love far greater than I imagined because Christ will be our center. And that, is worth waiting for.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is move away from that which we once felt familiar, but faith in the world, the Lord, and yourself can go far.
ReplyDeleteWhile it may seem impossible that a stranger could understand your life; understand that there are some on your side praying for you as you go along with your life.
One day your daughter will understand the strength it took to do what you did. She will marvel at your courage and she will want to be just like you.
From one woman to another: She is one very lucky little girl.
"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."
-Andy Warhol
Best of Luck, and God Bless.