That statement is funny to me yet so true. It's been a theme lately for me. I'm not sure how it came about, but 'it is what it is'. That resounds over and over in my head. Over and over. Situations change; people change. So maybe the past doesn't die or live on. Maybe it changes into something else, into what is now. I can't go back to what was when what was isn't anymore. Neither can you. How often do we try to do that though? How often do we yearn for the past, for the comfortability of the known? Sometimes it's time to let go. But that's so hard, isn't it? What does letting go even mean? Is it closure (Is that possible)? Is it forgetting? Is it crying until you can't anymore, until your heart turns cold? What is letting go? I read this recently, but I do not know who originally wrote it: "To let go isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't winning, and it isn't losing. It's not about pride, and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It's not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss, and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, but to overcome and to move on. It is having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and to set yourself free."
Letting go is scary. It is liberating. It exciting. It is hard. Hard. When we know what's going on, we have control. Let me rephrase that. When we think we know what's going on, we think we have control. God's the one with the control. He's the one that knows what is ultimately going on. I can't even count how many times I have forgotten that and how many more times I will forget. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." HE knows. Not me. Not you. Fate? Destiny? I don't know. If I'm going to be honest, God, that frustrates me. Why let me make choices when You know the outcome? Why let me fail, just to scoop me back into your arms? Why love me when I want to be hated? Why God? Why give me people to say goodbye to? Why give me lessons to learn? God, I don't want it. I don't want to give you control. I want You, but I don't want every thing that comes with giving all of me to you. Maybe that seems like a bold statement. Maybe you're laughing at me. But this is me being honest and open. "I want to do what I want. I'm not too bad. I'll be good most of the time. I'll be good enough." My wants don't always line up with my needs, though. What I want isn't always what I need. I have realized and continue to learn that. God, I don't want to need you, but I do need you. I need you because I get so scatter-brained. I confuse what I need with what I want. I can't sort the differences. And I hate it. I hate needing anyone, especially you. I am independent. I am strong-willed. I am good at relying on myself. But I NEED you because it's exhausting being alone.
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